Mop-Up RAW 3.26.01 

By Hyatte

Mop-Up RAW 

I don't give a shit about Jeremy Botter, but I thought i'd point out that judgement is an accepted spelling for that word. And way to "invent" the name Litacarana. Too bad everyone else on the internet has been using it for a long time. It's Limp Bizkit. Also you are a fun read and (I think) an intelligent guy, but I'd take Dusty any day of the week. Come on man, you can write a good collumn, just don't be so much of a prick. And Another Thing was a good piece, and the Mop-Up was funny, but you are a real douchebag sometimes.

Jeff: lang-weir@sympatico.ca

This is what he calls a "Pussy Flood"? Sheesh.

Hello, I'm Skippy, (from Family Ties, I think) and this is my shot at fame... oops gotta put more periods in now.................. because it drives Canadians CRAZY.................. and Lord knows I turn against my betters...... anyway, you know when you break up with a girlfriend, and she has to write down a long, nasty letter to you that is emotional AND cruel at once? You know what I mean? Because she's so hurt by your rejection that she HAS to find some way to get back at you? Yet she leaves the door opened for you to come back and beg her to take you back? Well, I have my own jilted girlfriend now, and it's a gay cat named Dusty.

Anyway, I WAS going to save this for next week... after all, feuds are best kept for when wrestling is in a lull period, not when the BIGGEST WRESTLING STORY EVER IS UNFOLDING BEFORE OUR VERY EYES........ but since he was so kind to keep his burning assault on my gluttonous ego away until MONDAY (so to insure freshness and keep you folks interested), I thought I'd pipe up now. I also will use his name again... I didn't last week because I had decided not to send him any new readers if possible (what's HIS excuse?), but I decided to give him one last thrill..... because this won't be a prolonged battle... too many readers are bored. So I'll say my final peace and let him rant on about me for however long his site lasts..... I believe the 7th re-launch is due this Summer. (let's face it... does ANYONE NOT consider "Respect the Pussy" as just "ScoopThis VI" with a new name?)

BUT.... since I don't want to bore the 50-60% of you who do not care about me ragging out on other web guys, and since this is sort of longish (ugh, I got rolling... it's HUGE, he'll love it)..... call it, my last favor to him, (anyone care to guess how this helps ME out at all?) I will contain my silly feuds into this blocked section. If you wish to skip it, just click down until you reach the second line of ********.... then all feuding is over and we get to wrestling business. No one can bitch at me now. It's a real "spazzfest", kids.... keep reading at your own risk.

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The truth is, I read his little thing on me (you would think with all that's happening in wrestling, there would be a lot BETTER things to talk about, but I guess it's the difference between being a Wrestling Mark and being an Internet Wrestling Mark) and came to a conclusion that he basically re-read everything a certain Sean said about me over the years and highlighted the main points...... A: My best days are behind me and I suck now and B: CRZ is the better recapper. He also added that I am a horrible writer... grammatically speaking, of course. Well, for that, I invite anyone to write a 40-50 page stream-of-consciousness novella in one sitting and not walk away with a few errors. By the way, I post my column here on 411 without sending them to anyone, so they are NEVER proofread by someone else. If my ScoopThis Mop-Ups were as grammatically retarded as he makes them OUT to be.... that would be reflected each week here. No, of course they aren't perfect, not even close.... but they aren't AS BAD AS HE SAYS!!! A nice big LIE I just caught you in, douchey! 

In short... he said nothing that can't be found on various message boards on any given day. I, myself even have said and say......... PROUDLY....... that CRZ is the best recapper on the Internet. I suck at recapping..... NO ONE should read me to find out what happened. I am pretty gosh darn entertaining at times, good for at least one solid belly laugh a week and a lot of fun to read....... or so my sycophants who I RUN to for ass kissing tell me. Of course, he and I tied for best recapper in their own awards thing..... and this was LOOOONG before there was even talk about me leaving Scoops.... so I guess SOMEONE over there thought I was good. Of course, it's really not a shock. During my run there, I always got the sense that they didn't really LIKE my work, they just "respected my audience" I think was the phrasing. The thing I learned VERY quickly about them was, they didn't care much for ANY writer unless it was someone THEY "groomed". I also learned that any little thing I told them had to be phrased very carefully because they were ALWAYS looking out for criticism.... and were VERY quick to lecture me on anything I said that might be construed as negative. Just like they are QUICK to remind you that they took me in when I left Scoops even though I was a risky proposition. Oh, my heroes! 

Quick story, (because if you didn't skip the ******'s, I have to assume this interests you). Someone on the Uncensored board claimed to have found a website that showed STc's readership..... and laughed at how low it was. I asked Trey about it. Trey said that it was an old, outdated, "irrelevant" (there's that word again) system and it showed really nothing. THEN.... Trey proceeded to lecture me about having DARED to even THINK about asking him such a HORRIBLE question. How DARE I question the success of this ScoopThis JUGGERNAUT and I would be well advised to NEVER do it again.......EVER.

I'd also tell the story of Erik blowing up at me because he didn't like my "reaction" when he told me the site would be closing. I had the nerve to be upset..... but not in the "alas, poor STc..." sense, but in the "Oh what the F***K" sense. I would tell you the story.... but.... eh. It took me 5 e-mails to calm him down. It's kind of funny to read him say, "Dude, if you wanted to be enemies with me, you're on your way!!!!" Dude.... the kids at ScoopThis LOVE the word "dude".

See, what Dusty does is twist things. He and his lifemate Erik the fat, bitter canadian are great at taking the truth and twisting it a bit so it makes them look better. CRZ, the one they SHOULD have gone with..... if only for that damn Scaia (doesn't explain CRZ's own Slash site, now does it?), was pissed enough by their hacking up the Chat This 2.5 transcript (a boring affair by all accounts) and including more Dusty comments that made him look like he was the smart one in that grouping, so CRZ found the original text, free of editing, and posted it himself. Oh, they hit the roof on that one, they did. Ohh boy. And you should have seen how pissed Erik was when Ashish announced that I was coming to 411..... Ashish didn't heap enough praise on the greatness that was ScoopThis in his announcement. Oh, Erik was VERY upset that Ashish... and no one else for that matter..... did not really seem to care about the legacy that was going away. Probably because no one bought the hype to begin with, I think failing with the "mainstream" gimmick twice in a row will do that to you. Plus, the only reason to go to STc..... and really, to go to RIP... I mean RTP.... is because of any involvement I had in it. Oh SHOOT..... there's my ego again, going ballistic. Damn. 

Anyway, I thought about what I should say in "response"...... then I realized...... screw it. If that little column, filled with nothing but opinion on how "everyone" (take a poll on that Dustbutt? Or are you basing this on your message board that only has about 10 people posting on it?) is sick of my act and I am no longer "over" or "relevant"? (My question...... who is relevant on the Internet? I mean, other than the people who actually report the news?) was all he had. If he wasn't going to produce something to really bother me, like an Interview with Al, or my picture.... or my social security #.... something..... a decent flood from ALL of his readers to clog up my mailbox (safe bet he didn't do it because he knew it would be laughable)... ANYTHING interesting other than the same old "The King is dead, long live CRZ" rap..... then why bother? If that's the price I have to pay for totally disassociating myself from him...... who bases everything he knows about me on a small handful of e-mails and what he reads in this column..... then I'll pay it. I don't want to be his friend, his confidant, his "buddy", and I certainly do not CARE about how he thinks I should run my column (and that's what it ALL boils down to...... he's pissed that I don't treat him as an equal...... which is compounded by the fact that he's convinced that I see myself as something more than a guy trying to entertain people, thus his idea of "equals" is certainly more grandiose than mine....... to put it another way, he's a bigger mark for me than I am. The sad thing is, I DIDN'T treat him like an equal, I treated him like a friend). If that thesis is what it takes to get him out of my life. I'll pay it.

So, goodbye Dusty. I hope you take one too many meat shanks up the can and get AIDS...... you and Erik. Thanks for forgetting (twisting the truth) that I held up ScoopThis all by myself for months with straight, no-rest columns every week while you were missing, showing up once on the message board to announce that STc "wear black hats and aren't the good guys", before vanishing again, leaving me all alone to get readers to come over other than a picture of Al Gore complete with a "funny" caption. What happened to "Walnuts" anyway?

Of course, if you want to come on the "Edge" and discuss this personally..... you're invited. I invited you twice before, you turned me down. I wonder why? Maybe because I'll recognize your voice, Erik? Contact Dillard, that is, if you are done being a pussy.

So, to wrap up... I offer you, the readers, a few thoughts to think about during the week he'll take before responding... okay?

1: Ask yourselves, if I am so irrelevant, then why did he ask me to plug him every week? And why was he so fast to attack me after I stopped? After all, I'm so terrible now, I shouldn't have any audience left, and certainly no influence.

2: Ask yourselves, how come almost every single writer, and every single web guy they've done business with has had problems with them? Ask him why he has to threaten guys like Al Isaacs with "If you don't comment, I'll pretend you did anyway." When doing his Inside Net Politics bits?

3: Ask Widro and Ashish just how lousy my readership is and if they regret bringing me aboard. 

4: And just remember, while he's busy playing innocent, he's the one who practically begged me to start shit with him. Remember, he said that if I didn't "respect stc, then it's ON!" Now that I did, he's doing the "I wasn't going to say anything, but since he started this, he's had this coming for a long time" act. Don't fall for his little re-making the past. He begged me for this. He wants my "irrelevant" attention. Ask Greg Dillard about the e-mail I sent him in January predicting that Dusty would one day turn on me.

5: Oh, and ask yourself, how have I changed since jumping from STc to 411? And when did I start to officially "suck"? Of course, he didn't figure that I have a lot of NEW readers who never heard of my take on the Villanos, but I don't think Dusty isn't quite familiar with the term "new readers".

6: Ask yourselves, how horny is a guy for my notice, even though I simply have no influence anymore, when he ignores the biggest wrestling news story of all time and instead dedicates a column to another web writer? I mean, that kind of attention really does not help my immense ego get deflated one bit.

7: Ask yourselves this, how can he think my ego is so astonishing when the VERY LAST THING I EVER SAID TO HIM IN PRIVATE E-MAIL was "Dusty, no one pays attention to me anyway, you know that!" This was when he tried to get me into a plan with himself and someone from Wrestleline (and maybe Freakboy... if we keep our fingers crossed!!!) where we would plant some fake news to see if it becomes a blazing, Net sweeping rumor that Keller or Scherer would need to squash. I'm sitting here, IN CHARACTER (oy vey) TELLING the guy that no one takes me too seriously...... yet his entire premise is that I'm convinced that people DO!!

8: Ask yourselves this, he once stated that EVERY SINGLE ONLINE SUBJECT of his Litterbox columns have complained to him about how they were "misrepresented"...... yet, he turns around and behaves the same exact way with me.... I wonder, does that make Dusty a "Hero or a Villian"? Or perhaps the REAL "hypocrite" in this game? (plus an asshole, too). Oh, right..... I forgot.... you're a VILLIAN..... you wear a black hat.... sorry. 

9: One last thought (I swear), ask yourselves, does me being not as "big" as I once was have more to do with the quality of my Mop-Ups? Or the fact that I spent half of last year at a site that no one could stand going to and did nothing to offer new material any other day other than "Mop-Up" Wednesday?

Thank you. Feud over. I win on points. He loses because everything he said about me was just the best way he figured he could "get to me". My ego is still as bloated as ever. You know that old adage, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it...... does it make a sound?" Well, we're about to test that theory. Thanks to all council who advised me to take this route. Yes, I DO take advice at times...... just not from HIM...... and it KILLS HIMMMMMM!!!!

Oh, by the way Dust.... thanks for raving about me without once using "@#$%$#!&"..... I'm sure me calling it "gay" had NOTHING to do with it.

Sorry, that was just head games that this thing would eventually boil down to..... neither of us doing anything that would appear "influenced" by what the other said.... like, you just KNOW he spent the week figuring out how to "respond" to me without dissecting everything I said about him, just like I dared him to do. In return, he went out and called himself a "has been and a never was". Now, he certainly doesn't believe it, but he had to say it before I did. Here's one for him, I'm betting that one day between now and next week, Erik the fat bitter failure will turn up on the pussy site and say, maybe word for word, I had every intentuion of staying out of this, letting Dusty give Hyatte the thrashing he so badly needed, but after reading what poor, delusional Hyatte had to say about me, I had no choice but to get myself involved.... It would've happened, probably planned from the start, but now.... it might not. See, head games. 

So, believe who you want to believe..... Hyatte1com is my AOLIM name, if you ever want to see for yourself what kind of crazed fame seeking, egomaniacle suck job asshole I am. I'm around. My computer sometimes logs off on me without me noticing (MSN perk), so I tend to cut out unexpectedly..... but otherwise, I'm okay to talk to. 4016583794 is my phone number too, because I'm all about walls.

Ah, and how about we tone down the DRAMATIC WRITING STYLE there a little, bud. I mean, I know you picked up the habit from me, but even I'm learning to tone it down some. Sometimes, single sentence paragraphs can get annoying. (seeing how they taught me how to write, it's the least I can do)

"It's ON".... heh, okay, further prove that Canadians should not try Ebonics..... that was the best you had? HAW! You would have been better off talking me up and praising me, which you said you were ABOUT to do..... oh sure, hand me over your balls in front of everyone, that's the biggest lie you've told, right up there with those e-mails you keep saying Erik sent to me to clear things up (ie: He lectures, I listen). I never got a one of them, sorry. Too late for that now, get on with your life, baby... find someone else who appreciates YOU for YOU. It's not your fault, it's MINE. I can't be tied down! There is no ring on my finger!

Jilted girlfriend..... heh.... I better stop now, because I'm starting to have fun with this.

Moving on, briefly now.... quick shots

Note to Luke: Naah..... forget about it. I still like the little cupcake.

Note..... props to Jeremy Botter. He came to me like a man and we discussed his past comments about me. Yes, he gave me my needed "celebrity fix". Actually, he just said that he did think I sucked before, but over the years changed his mind. That's it. Not once did he lick my balls, but for some odd reason, I was cool with it.........amazing.

LAST note...... next week, Scaia's big "April Fool's" column SHOULD be running. I would implore you to write to him and BEG HIM NOT TO WASTE YOUR TIME WITH IT.... I would say more on the subject, but jeeze, enough with the web guys already. You know it's coming, no one can say I didn't prepare you for this crap. Here comes the "GOT'CHA!!!"

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Okay, if you're just joining me, we are free and clear from all this nonsense and can get to REAL business.... this being, PLUGS!!! Beware of one or two inside jokes, just ignore them and chalk them up to more crappy attempts of humor on my part. I'm FILLED with them.

Okay, this week's And Another Thing (no mention of how much that column sucks.... hmmm strange) is a NICE look at what I thought was the best Nitro ever. With everyone ragging and goofing on WCW this week, I thought I'd take a new direction and heap some praise on the one time everything on the show rocked. All WCW fans will thank me for it. You can check it out right....here.

God Bless the great A1 wrestling site. I plug them, they link me. It's a nice business move, plus I get more out of it than some moron throwing out "Hyatte should get his own radio show" every so often in between whining that "I've lost my edge" (no pun intended).

And God bless CRZ and his Slash site. Because he asked me to plug him every week as a goof...... I may just do that..... just so idiots can read too much into it.

And if you just want instantaneous recap results.... stay right here at 411 where Widro and PK get the recaps posted just a few scant minutes after the shows. I swear, these two might be the fastest recappers on the web. I spend all my time on other sites, I really should push my own team.

This week's closer is about WCW. Random notes, thoughts, ideas, guesses, about this bold, weird, new world that pro wrestling and we are about to enter. Everyone else gets to weigh in their thoughts.......... even someone as irrelevant as ME!!!!!! Seriously, the news is still breaking with new info coming every day.... so it's tough to wrap it up and make any clear cut assumptions. The best anyone can hope to do is to digest all this as best as possible and try to regurgitate something sensible from it all. I'll try my best. (Not that anyone would actually be READING the column by then..... from what I understand, the column is impossible to get through these days, but I think it's because most of you idiots can't handle long form prose. If it ain't the length of a message board post, you're attention wanders).

Ah, and I have something very special to REPLACE the Nitro Mop-Up. Maybe I'll debut it next week, or maybe the week after..... but seeing how any reference I make to the subject matter is instantly recognized and applauded, I think a good chunk of you will like it. Yes, I am NOT going the one recap route, as most of you probably assumed seeing what a lazy dick I am.

Okay, I've said enough, I guess..... sorry about the crappy opener ("Hyatte apologized? DUSTY REALLY NAILED HIS ASS!!!!!!!!!! HE'S GOT HYATTE APOLOGIZING!!!! HAWHAWHAWHAWWW").... I just wanted to give this one last moment before cutting him off from this column and from you readers for good. It's up to you now if you want to visit his site.... you'll get no encouragement from me, positive or negative, anymore.

BIG wrestling stuff in the making.... and maybe the most surreal Monday night anyone's ever witnessed.... plus, a little show called Wrestlemania is set for next week....

Wait!!! Yes... yes... uh huh... okay... NEWSBREAK!!!! I JUST RECEIVED WORD THAT.... UH HUH.... YES, "SURREAL" HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN USED TO DESCRIBE THIS PAST MONDAY NIGHT MORE TIMES THEN ANY OTHER WORD IN THE HISTORY OF SPOKEN AND WRITTEN TEXT!!!! I UNDERSTAND THAT GUINESS IS ALREADY RE-EDITING IT'S LATEST WORLD RECORD BOOK. 

Let's get to it, my acquaintances..... because they sooner I post this, the sooner I can get e-mails from you stroking my ego and calling me GOD!!!!!!!!!

This IS just the Internet, right? I mean, I didn't slide into a parallel universe where the biggest stars on Earth write about wrestling on the Internet, did I? Judging from the way some people behave, sometimes I wonder.

RAW IS WAR: (or: Will Bischoff be hired to bring Ross his coffee again?)

-ending to Miami Vice, something occurred within the past 60 minutes that caused Philip Michael Thomas to stare outward looking saddened and dismayed. Must have just shook the Magic 8 ball and asked, "Will I still have a career after this show?". Poor PMT..... he didn't even know a Magic 8 Ball was able to laugh so hard until it shattered. 

-local commercials. Local Public Access spot for two VERY fat guys doing a weekly Sunday show called "The Unofficial Star Trek Fan Club", I crap you not. I've seen it. 

-WWF One World.... dear God, it's not a lie.

-it just occurred to me that I REALLY should be doing this chronologically and recap the Nitro show first, then jump to RAW for an hour, then FINISH Nit.... oh I'm exhausted just THINKING about it. Better just stick to the original game plan and phone the recap in.

-see, I AM a recapper in the purest meaning of the word....just not a very good one.

-show opens with a shot of two monitors.... (ah to be FREE of the three period spacing, thank you numbnuts!!!)... one says WWF and one says WCW. (Vince watches NITRO???? MY GOD, CALL THE TORCH!!!!!!! ALERT KELLER!!!! NOW!!!)

-hmm, you know what, let's do something different and NOT pretend that I'm clueless as to what is going on.

-Vince McMahon is watching both shows and doing SIMULTANEOUS play by play. "There's Monday Night RAW and THERE'S WCW and THERE'S Jeff Jarrett (on the screen). Jarrett is drinking some coffee. One, two, three... HE DRANK!! HE FINISHED THE CO.... oh, waitaminute, it's not empty" (Man, GET VINCE BACK IN THE CHAIR!!! JUST ONE TIME!!! WE WANT TO HEAR HIM MAKE UP MOVES AS HE GOES ALONG!!!! WE WANT A GOOD OLD FASHIONED "NOGGIN KNOCKER!!"

-Vince spells it out. He is now the owner of the World Wrestling Federation, and now the owner of World Championship Wrestling. The man bought the competition!

-This is like the producers of The Sopranos buying out the show Queer As Folk then throwing a few of that huge stud Brian into the Ba-Da-Bing club and seeing what Stevie Van Zant does to him and that ULTRA gay hairstyle.. 

-Vince announces that tonight he will address WWF fans, WCW stars, and WCW fans as to what's going to happen. He promised a big simulcast on BOTH shows that will address ALL issues.

-You know what my first thought was upon seeing this? It was "how DARE that pussy insult ME!!!".... no, no, it was "Well, poor Bischoff gets screwed over ONE MORE TIME!!!" This was supposed to be HIS chance to say farewell. Heh heh HAAAA!!!

-After saying that the real winner here was HIM, Vince added that Jeff Jarrett spells his name "J*E*Double EFF". Well, now Vince thinks Jeff will be spelling his name, "G*O*O*N*N*E*E*"...... Jeff's a Goonie? WAS JEFF THE KID WHO PLAYED "CHUNK"??? Wow!!! Still a better career than Corey Feldman ended up having.

-Vince sneered and suggested that Double J would be fired. Umm, they picked up SHAWN F-ING STASIAK'S contract, and Shawn might very well have been the first WWF star to ever be fired by Jim Ross in front of the entire staff, (well, maybe Ahmed Johnson had that honor as well). If Jarrett plays it cordial like, he'll slip in.

-Does this automatically mean "NITRO IS PORN"? Or is that another dead horse that I refuse to quit beating?

-opening theme. 

-Jim Ross welcomes us to Cleveland, Ohio. Of course, Ohio is the Capitol of Online Wrestling Writers. Which is the main reason behind my ongoing cause to SELL OHIO TO THE CHINKS!!!!!! 

-DROP A NUKE ON DAYTON!!!!!

-Ohio, oddly enough, is also the Capitol of INTERNET DOUCHEBAGS WHO DO A HORRIBLY LAME APRIL FOOL'S COLUMNS ONCE A YEAR!!!!! Let's drop a few thousand Mad Cow infected sheep on the whole state, then wall the whole thing up. After a few years, we tear down the wall, and when the few remaining Ohioans come out, looking like Holocaust Survivors, we can scream, "GOT'CHA!!!"

-if Scaia had a brain, he'd ask ME to write his April Fool's column. 'Cause I'm all about getting RECOGNIZED.

-The folks at WWF New York are SCREAMING..... you would be too if you just learned your fries were cooked in grease from the Undertaker's hair. (I labored for MINUTES thinking that one up)

-Ross told us that amid all this HISTORY IN THE MAKING HOOPLA.... there is actually a BIG match for tonight. Austin and the Rock against the Undertaker and Kane. Debra'll be thrown in there for good measure.

-Jim Ross paused a bit before introducing Paul Heyman. I SWEAR he started to say, "Juu"....

-Kurt Angle comes out. Obviously pissed because there's now an ENTIRE ROSTER of WCW stars he'll be asked to job to. (SOMEBODY has to lose, you don't think Vince will let ALL his WWF names to come out on top.)

-Heyman, "THE WAR.... THE WAR.... IS FINALLY OVER!!!" (*sigh, I said that MONTHS AGO!!!! I REALLY AM IRRELEVANT!!!!!)

-When it comes to the fall of WCW, I truly do not think that you will find two more deliriously happier people on this planet than Jim Ross and Paul Heyman. I would add Vince McMahon to that list, but there's this small headache for him known as the XFL. DAMMIT, WILL YOU WATCH THE GAMES, PEOPLE!!! VINCE HAS TWO CHILDREN TO FEED!!!!!

-Ross says that Angle has been in a "very distant mood" all night long, and "one can only imagine why"? (Why? The same reason why EVERYONE'S been distant!! Poor Kate Hudson WAS SCREWED, DAMMIT!!!!)

-Angle was booed and didn't like it. He said that from the fans in the street, to the people backstage, to the people at home, to the people in the building. (fans in the street? I figured Ray Romano had the homeless crowd locked to CBS EVERY Monday) are all "giddy" at the big news!! (Big news? I smell a left turn coming)

-Angle admits that the big news is pretty damn shocking!!! (yeah, okay... here we go....)

-The news that Kurt Angle, our Olympic hero, still does NOT have an opponent for Wrestlemania, which is still 7 days away. (wah wah wah waaaaaaaah)

-"What kind of world do we live in....... when the Gobler.... whatever his name is.... the Gobbly Gooker... the freaking Gobbly Gooker has an opponent at Wrestlemania and me.... a former blah blah blah doesn't!" (the fact that someone EVER referenced that name on WWF TV in the new century is A HELL of a lot MORE amazing than ANY of this WCW nonsense)

-Angle said he was the best wrestler in the WWF, and maybe the WORLD!! (which, come on... is there a DIFFERENCE, anymore?)

-Angle said that if this continues, he'll have no choice but to keep complaining and keep protesting until they give him his.... blah blah blah.

-Out comes Chris Benoit, How happy is he that he got his ass situated in the WWF BEFORE all this happened? 

-Benoit had a mic.... Oh Lordy, this might be ugly.

-Benoit said, "Kurt....... ANGLE".... (why is he bucking for Lillian Garcia's job?)

-He continued that the good news is that he also doesn't have an opponent for Wrestlemania, but the bad news is...... he doesn't have an opponent for Wrestlemania.... (how can it be both good AND bad? The same way I can have BOTH an Inferiority Complex AND a Superiority Complex duking it out in my little brain?)

-Benoit said that all of Angle's complaining, whining, and moaning annoys him, but not as much as Angle's claim to being the best wrestler in the WWF, but THAT STILL doesn't annoy him as much as the fact that Benoit can make Angle "tap, tap, tap" out like the (bleep) that he is. (might have been "bitch", might have been "pussy", sounded a lot like "punk", but why bleep out "punk"?)

-Benoit assured Angle that this was true.

-I'm sorry, but no two men should be so close together with tops that are totally unzipped and throbbing chests so grossly exposed. THIS IS NOT RIGHT!!!!! 

-Angle reacted, then said "How DARE you"!! He asked if Canada even HAD an Olympic team? (They do, but they use Americans to hold their team up for months. They keep sending e-mails to these helpful Americans promising to eventually come back and "kick everyone's ass again".... alas, the day never comes and the Americans end up RUNNING to 411)

-I'm sorry, but if it helps, I'm getting a big kick out of myself.

-Angle said that he was tired of carrying Benoit..... so he had bad news AND worse news. He accepted the WM challenge AND there is no way in hell he will EVER tap

Click Here For Part 2!!!

-Amid a pile of silly ass signs, (how about, just for the sake of CREATIVITY, they start yanking ALL SIGNS that read, "I'd Rather Be In Chyna!"..... Jesus, even MTV knows when to retire videos), we see that Doink is in the building. Now, what would REALLY rock is if Doink had a sign that read, "LAWLER FEARS DOINK!"

-That Gimmick Battle Royal should be hilarious..... but isn't Sgt. Slaughter a bit ABOVE this?

-COME ON..... MICHAEL P.S. HAYES????? HE WAS A FREEBIRD, MAN!!!! A FREEBIRD!!!!! HE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!

-sonsofabitches.... bad street, Atlanta GA. Baddest street in the whole USA.... bad street nasty and HOT!!!! 

-I REMEMBER MICHAEL HAYES!!!! AND I CARE!!!

-Ooo, Kamala will be there.... groovy.

-Why the F**K don't they use WCW Gimmicks too? Sullivan's big Satan dude.... THE YETI!!! AWW, YOU GOTTA GET THE YETI IN THERE!!!!!! THE BLACK SCORPION!!!! THE MIDNIGHT RIDER!!! HULK HOGAN!!!!!

-Sir William Regal came out. God Bless him, may the sun NEVER touch his skin!

-He gets on the mic and says that he has something very important to tell us, (Ross, "That would be the first..."). He wants to talk about "W....C.... FIELDS!!" (ZINGER!!! I chuckled... &%#@ me)

-Regal sez that Fields once said, "The only cure for insomnia was sleep!" (yeah, but Fields is famous for spending much of his adult life a fall down drunk, so sleeping was never problem for him)

-Regal said that he would not sleep until he enacts revenge on "that miserable little toerag(???or Toorah.... which is something the Jews use, isn't it?) Chris Jericho". So, he had a special tune up match tonight to prepare himself. So, he called out the Hollys!

-out step Crash and Molly Holly. Crash hits the ring. Ross cannot hide his glee when he reminds us that WCW now belongs to HIM!!! HIM!!!! HIM!!!!!!

-in a roundabout way, of course

-What belt is Crash holding and when did he win it? Oh no... DID MALENKO JOB OUT TO HIM?????? OH WHY VINCE, WHY? (*whap.... take that Trigger!)

-Crash grabbed a mic and said that he wasn't scared of any limey Brits. So he handed the belt to Molly and...

-Regal shouted, "You got this wrong. It's not me and you, dammit!" Then he knocked Crash out of the ring and pulled Molly into it.

-Regal grabbed Molly's hair, then waved to the audience. Ross, "What kind of human being is William Regal? No, nevermind, I can tell you myself!!" Sadly, he never got around to saying.... jerkoff. COME ON, BLAST IT!!! TELL US!!

-Regal snapped Molly up in that STF. Then he applied it to Crash.

-Suddenly, Doink the Clown ran in. He attacked Regal, then put him in the Walls of Jericho! Heyman, "NOW WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT???" Ross confessed to being clueless. (moments like these.... I sort of prefer the subtlety of Hudson/Schiavone)

-of course, it was Jericho in clown drag. Which has got to be SOMEONE'S idea of an ultimate sexual fantasy. Come on, 'fess up.... which one of you freaks got aroused seeing Jericho dressed as a clown? Come onnnn..... I know SOMEONE is popping wood..... some little fairy has this sick fetish..... helloooo..... Don Becker..... I'm looking at youuuuu.

-I forget, is Becker part of this new "crowd" I pal around with? He never did mention names.

-Vince spots Dustin Rhodes on WCW TV and tells Trish that "Goldust" was actually considering getting breast implants for his gimmick. Somehow.... I just can't help but think that the truth is more like Russo and McMahon sat him down and tried to CONVINCE Dustin into doing it..... more than likely with Dustin's daughter, Dakota on his lap

-of course, if it really was Dustin's idea and he was turned down... then BRAVO DUSTIN!!! THAT'S SELLING YOUR GIMMICK, DAMMIT!!!!! YOU SELL THAT GIMMICK!!!!

-Vince used this as a cheap ploy to bring attention to Trish's fake boobs. I still say Trish looks like the daughter of Pam Anderson and a fire hydrant.

-commercials

-moments ago, Doink got some and sick homo bastards got off.

-Regal told the Coach that that "miserable toerack" gets to defend his IC belt against the Big Show tonight. Actually, these days fighting TBS is usually a "tune up" match too. (SEND HIM BACK TO WCW, BOYS..... SEND HIM HOMMMMME!)

-Edge and Christian run up to Angle and said that "right before Regal got attacked by a CLOWN, we had a brief discussion with him!" (boy, all it takes is a little inflection to twist the knife). Regal booked these three against Benoit and the Hardyz tonight.

-Angle was pleased, but was more concerned with making sure everyone knew that he was NOT tapping out before. E & C blew it off and brought out a friend for Kurt to meet.

-Rhyno (*sigh, they always have to put that "WWF spin" on things, don't they?) came out. Angle's PERFECT reaction, "What the HELL is THAT?" E & C said that they go way back with the big guy. Rhyno hissed that it was great to meet Angle and any friend of E & C is a friend of his and "I'll bleed for you, man, I'll bleed for you!" Angle, "err... great?"

-Christian took Rhyno away. Edge stayed with Angle. Both agreed that Rhyno is one bad muthaphukka.

-Heyman slapped his wrist repeatedly. Why, if I had the sound off, I'd SWEAR he was re-enacting one of his legendary trips to "Lady Majestic: Dominatrix". (picture Heyman and Joey Styles in matching Leather spandex and you WILL know a small taste of Hell!)

-actually, he was selling his ass off that Angle has NEVER tapped out.... EVER.

-plugs, plugs, and plugs for Wrestlemania. I wonder who will be covering the match with JR? Wouldn't it be a kick to see Schiavone next to him just for all the cheap shots they'll take at each other? (won't happen, of course.... not for the most important show of them all)

-video package tells the tale between Austin and the Rock. Freddie Durst supplies the vocals. Damn good song..... very stirring.

-WHOA HUGE MOMENT OF CLARITY HERE!!!! This song.... "My Way".... listen to the lyrics.... I ask you.... does this song....like....TOTALLY WORK for Vince's purchase of WCW TOO???? "some day you'll see things MY WAY.... then you'll never know.... where you're gonna goooo! IT'S MY WAY.... MY WAY.... my way or the HIGHWAY!!!"

-Ross and Heyman are still pitching WM. Suddenly, the show seems like one last stepping stone before we hit CROSS PROMOTIONAL DREAM MATCHES!!!!!!!!

-Footage from Smackdown where Ross had a sit down with BOTH the Rock and the Aust. They edited the footage where JR and Ross started to giggle uncontrollably whenever the name "Jarrett" came up.

-Nitro or no Nitro, there will NOT be a "Mop-Up Smackdown" in the near future, so don't ask.

-Eh..... for me, no interview between two opponents is complete without someone stealing from Kevin Nash and saying, "I don't get paid by the hour"

-The Coach has cornered Debra. Debra blurted, "Look, I simply will NOT be doing the F-ING BEAUTY QUEEN gimmick again!!!!!"

-Debra leaves. Coachman watches her tight little heiny go. Someone yells "Out" A PRODUCTION ERROR???? THE CURSE OF WCW IS CONTAGIOUS!!!! IT'S WRESTLING'S MAD COW DISEASE!!!!! (only cure, slaughtering all segment producers.... and their children)

-Vince and Trish get ready for the big simulcast.... they get ready by smooching. How can you watch Vince pull that horny SNEER on his face without getting creeped out?

-Vince McMahon comes out..... RUDELY cutting off Hudson and Schiavone mid-sentence over on TNT. (heh.... HA.... F-you WCW)

-Heyman again says that the Monday Night Wars is OVER.... and the VICTOR is right there.

-Before stepping into the ring, Vince tells the crowd that he deserves their UTMOST respect.... and made Lillian Garcia announce him again.... (actually, WCW were too busy watching Flair and Sting dry hump each other to cut in.... and Lord knows Vince wants his victory to be filled with as much pomp and ceremony as he possibly can.

-TNT gets their act together and NOW Vince McMahon comes out..... RUDELY cutting off Hudson and Schiavone mid-sentence over on TNT. (heh.... HA.... F-you WCW)

-Man, that is one happy bastard. You thought he was intolerable BEFORE? 

-Vince gets on the stick and announces that "for the first time in sports entertainment HISTORY..." (although, one might wonder if WCW actually QUALIFIES as "entertainment".... heh..... hahhahah.....hohoho.... I'm.... I'm sorry WCW fans.....I'm just playing.... go to this week's AAT for my REAL feelings on the matter)

-For the first time EVER, this promo is being seen on TNN here in Cleveland, and is LSO being seen all the way over to... "T*N*N..... TURNER Network television!" (Methinks, this one time, he can be FORGIVEN for forgetting that extra "T". The man's got an AWFUL lot on his mind.)

-Cut to the NITRO SET!!! THE NITRO SET!!!! JESUS.... BOOM.... RIGHT THERE.... GOD ALL MIGHTY..... 

-Vince goes full bluster.... "THERE'SONLYONEMANWHOCAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!!" Indeed, he once again announced that he "bought W... C...W" (and for the first time, he did NOT pronounce it "Doublya Cee Doublya")

-Vince says that it's not exactly final.... sort of. The problem is that Time Warner can't unload this company because, quite frankly, nobody knows what to do with it. *spittake* WHAAAA!!!! HUH??? EXCUSE ME, BUT THE INTERNET IS FILLED WITH DOUCHEBAGS WHO KNOW JUST EXACTLY HOW TO FIX WCW!!! AND THEY SPEND EACH AND EVERY COLUMN EXPLAINING TO THE MONKEYS!!! (wellinbetweenrantsabouthowtherocksucksandhowwrestlingisgoingdowninflames)

-Vince says that Time Warner is practically BEGGING Vince to buy the company.... and he will, with ONE "caveat" (bless you, spell check).

-Vince will sign the contract this Sunday, on PPV, at Wrestlemania.

-Yes, he will sign it, when TED TURNER HIMSELF comes down the aisle and asks him to sign the contract at Wrestlemania. (oh MAN.... F-You, F-You, F-YOU Teddy. The man is living a lifelong fantasy right there on live TV.... on TWO channels, even!)

-Vince continued.... asking HOW a man such as him can go against a "media conglomerate giant like Time Warner".... up against a "billionaire" (oh jeeze.... is he going to start playing the "Joe Sixpack" persona again? Is he for REAL?")

-his answer.... become a Billionaire himself! (ah HAA!!! Thank God!)

-He barely acknowledged the participation of his own wrestlers in helping him succeed. (Yeah, Owen DIED for the cause, dammit!)

-(*whap.... take that Trigger!)

-Yes, he did most of the work.... himself!

-Vince said that after Ted Turner comes down and BEGS Vince to sign the deal, (does the phrase, "Kiss my ass in Macy’s window" come to anyone else's mind?), Vince will have a seat waiting for Ted right at ringside just so he can watch Vince beat the crap out of his own Son.

-Vince said that son or no, Vince is a competitor.... and when you are a competitor, you have to SQUEEZE THE LIFE OUT OF YOUR COMPETITION.... JUST LIKE HE DID TO WCW!!! (man, he's also squeezing something ELSE.... metaphorically speaking.... right here in front of millions) 

-Vince reminded us the Stephanie, Trish, AND the zonked out body of Linda McMahon WILL be there at ringside as well. (umm, anyone ELSE think that Linda will miraculously regain her senses and screw Vince over so Shane can win? Quite possibly as part of a big plan she made with Trish? I WOULD be convinced that this is the game plan, but seeing how Vince seems to HATE losing....)

-Moving on, Vince asked what he should do with WCW? He had a lot of options, and maybe the fans could help. Maybe he could take WCW and put it on the shelf? (ECW will MAKE ROOM, dammit!)

-Maybe Vince will just lean back and watch those tapes of "Hogan doing that ridiculous.... (he pantomimed Hogan flexing) whatever you call that". Big laugh from the crowd. Rat prick.... HE WAS AWFULLY HAPPY WITH THAT FLEXING WHEN HOGAN WAS MAKING HIM MILLIONS AND SELLING OUT THE SILVERDOME FOR HIS BAD HAIR HAVING ASS!!!!!

-He can watch WCW (Bischoff, whose name shall be ERASED from history) talk about how they will "bury the WWF!"

-Vince... "He who laughs last, laughs best!" (and believe me, the NFL is/are laughing their collective ASSES off)

-Vince has ANOTHER option.... TAKE WCW and turn it into a MONSTER media conglomerate.... LIKE the WWF. (and really, wouldn't that be the ULTIMATE F-you?)

-So, if he did that, who would Vince keep? He asked the crowd for a little thumbs up action as he reeled off some names. (manomanoMAN..... I hate to use the word again but..... SURREAL!!!!). Perhaps the audience will help Vince select some of those.... (sarcastic pause).... stars. (oh come ON.... Hugh Morrus is HUGE!!!)

-Vince asked about Hulk Hogan? Audience seemed to prefer "up"

-Lex Luger? Crowd leaned towards "down"

-Buff Bagwell? BIG UPS

-Booker T? Up

-Vince commented that this was one confused group. A pack of douchebags is what they were. MORONS!!!! THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO BE IN A WWF BOOKING MEETING AND YOU'RE BEING INDECISIVE LITTLE FEEBS!!!!! 

-Big Poppa Pump? Up.

-Vince stopped.... the crowd chanted "Goldberg"! (Now THAT... THAT.... is when I was OFFICIALLY knocked on my ass!!!)

-Vince handled it beautifully, "All right, there are a few others".... then asked about Sting? Up, Up, UP!!! STING ON WWF TV IS THE ULTIMATE MARK'S DREAM!!! SINCE THE GODDAM 80'S!!!!! BLEACH HIS F-ING HAIR TOO, WHILE YOUR AT IT!!!! MAKE HIM PAY FOR MAKING US WAIT SO LONG!!!!!!!!!!

-Goldberg? Oh, you better believe THAT happy crappy, chumly!

-happy crappy? chumly?

-I think I would have shit my pants if he said, "Bob Ryder?" I think pretty much ALL of you would have too. I think Bob, Scherer, Keller, Meltzer, pretty much everyone over the age of 40 would have dropped dead if Vince did that.

-Vince said that he had a choice tonight.... whether to come to Cleveland tonight and GLOAT!!! (he admitted to be doing one bang up job of doing), or, Vince could have gotten in his plane and, assuming they have an airport there, flown down to the "Redneck Riveria", Panama Beach, FLA.... and walk out there, and give each and every WCW wrestler over there a "piece of my mind". (Why didn't he? It's Spring Break! A billionaire like Vince could have shagged just about every half decent looking piece of college co-ed coozebag on the entire Florida western seaboard!)

-Vince commented on just how appropriate it is that WCW's last broadcast is in.... a BEERHALL! (Heyman, Mr Bingo Hall, stayed noticeably silent, some say he broke out in tears) surrounded by a bunch of "beer drinking rednecks!" Vince then mentioned that there seems to be some in this building tonight.... which I enjoyed.

-None the less, Vince decided to come to Cleveland, instead of walking into the Nitro ring, looking each and every single WCW wrestler in the face and say, "Goldberg, Booker T, and all the rest of them..... to look them right in the face and say.... "You're FIRED!!!" (traditional Vince GROWL at the end).

-Vince finally said that WCW IS going on the shelf.... WCW is FINISHED..... WCW is BURIED!!!! 

-WCW will REMAIN buried.... just like anyone else in this arena.... just like everyone else in the world, who tries to compete with Vince!!! (Jesus, sounds like me during a rant against Web Pricks.... IS HE RIPPING ME OFF????)

-Crowd tried to get a chant of "ASSHOLE" going.... Vince, "Don't start with that!"

-"I deserve more respect than that!" (He ain't no pussy.... because I can no longer respect pussies)

-"DAMMIT I'M VINCE MCMAHON!!!! I OWN WCW!!! I OWN THE WWF!!! AND YOU WILL TREAT ME WITH RESPECT!!!"

-FINALLY.... "No Chance" comes on! Ross, "Shane McMahon MUST be in Cleveland, because why ELSE would his music come on????" (oh God almighty! Way to be DISCREET, Jim!)

-No arrival of Shane.... the music plays.... but he doesn't come out. camera focuses on the stage.

-For a minute.... FOR A FEW POOP MAKING MOMENTS.... I was CONVINCED Goldberg was going to step out!!!!! I thought for SURE Goldberg was gonna run out and spear Vince so hard that wig would be thrown into orbit. YOU DID TOO, ADMIT IT, ADMIT IT, ADMIT IT!!!!

-Instead, Shane strolls out onto the NITRO SET!!! THERE IS A MCMAHON IN A WCW ARENA!!!! Lock your doors and windows, kids.... because the sky is about to be filled with LOCUSTS!!!

-The McMahon boys decide to have a satellite conversation...... which Nitro screwed up but RAW handled perfectly. (yeah well, at least they stayed consistent until the bitter end)

-Shane said that he was in.... *sigh.... these McMahons can sure carry on... I'll have to hit "Breeze Mode"

-Shane said that the deal to buy WCW HAS been finalized.... and the name on the contract DOES say "McMahon".... but the full name on the contract is "Shane McMahon" (yeah, he just happened to have a spare 30 mil in his pocket and said, "F-It".)

-SHANE owns WCW.... and just like WCW did in the past, when it kicked Vince's ass... and it will do so again. Just like Shane will kick Vince's ass at Wrestlemania!

-wide shot of Shane's big face on screen looming over Vince in the ring.... very Orwellian.

-plenty of reaction shots from Vince. 

-You know.... Shane couldn't get the Big Show over.... now they gave him a whole company to work on?

-Now we'll see if Shane is Michael Douglas, or Eric Douglas. Is he Sly Stallone, or Frank Stallone? John Travolta, or Joey Travolta? IS SHANE MCMAHON DWEEZIL ZAPPA??? OR MOON UNIT ZAPPA??? (whoa, killer.... better rethink that third example!)

-NOW we'll see if Shane's an "Esteves" or a "Sheen", by Christ!

-spot for Wrestlemania.... which is what ended the last Nitro.... which sums up IT ALL goddam UP SO NICELY! The proverbial icing on the proverbial cake!

-for me, the best part.... BISCHOFF GETS F-ED!!!!!

-commercials

-man, it better be friggin 10:30 by now.

-Moments ago.... they had TWO channels dedicated to it.... THERE IS NO NEED FOR A REPLAY!!!!!

-Ross and Heyman sell WM.

-Backstage, Vince YELLS at his attorneys about the rug being pulled under his feet during his GREATEST MOMENT EVER!!!!!! 

-The Hardyz came out with Lita. First order of business for them after Sunday.... knocking the SHIT out of those 3 Count homos.

-and maybe having Rey Rey job to Lita, just for grins

-we see that WM will have ANOTHER TLC match with the SAME THREE TEAMS..... oh man, over-f-ing-KILL.

-Benoit came out. The second hour is upon us (WHAT???? I'VE BEEN HERE FOREVER!!!!) 

-While YOU were glued to Nitro an hour ago, Benoit and Angle were duking it out! Luckily, they showed a replay!

-Edge and Christian came out. We see how Spike Dudley was "Rhynoplastered" into a table... GEE, I wonder who wrote THAT script?

-Kurt Angle came out with them. All six went at it on the outside. Matt Hardy and Edge took it to the ring.

-early on, this HOT babe with streaks in her long, luxurious hair walked across the front row... she totally drew my attention, not to mention the camera man's.... not to mention my penis.

-Benoit slapped the Crossface on Angle. Edge had to kick him a few times to get him to release

-SO, Benoit put the Crossface on Christian.... and he was quick to tap. Benoit wins.

-Benoit and Angle go at it. Benoit dives through the ropes and into Angle.

-Rhyno ended up plowing through Matt and Lita! Ross, "Good God almighty!!! What the hell did she do to deserve THAT?" (why.... she REJECTED ME!!! THEY ALL DID!!! THEY ALL MUST PAYYYYYY!!!!!!! THESE BITCHES!!! THESE.... THESE.... YARRRRGH!!)

-In was sort of hoping to see Benoit get plowed, for some reason.

-commercials

-Last Thursday, HHH made the Undertaker his beeyeIIItch, I fully expect 3H to win at WM. I also fully expect it to be one Hell of a match.

-Kevin Kelly had both Kane and the UT. UT got into the act by calling Stephanie a "skank old lady!" UT showed off his big stapled forehead cut and his big "soup bones" 

-Test came out for something pointless.

-X-Pac came out with Albert. Heyman busted out into a mean "Yiddish" impression. (well, with a name like "Heyman", he wasn't going to start speaking in ancient Aramaic)

-Eddie Guerrero came out as guest referee.

-So, what is X-Pac doing at WM anyway?

-This was a non-title match, so Eddie had no problems screwing with Test.

-This is what I like to call, (actually, it's my first time, so I'm not sure whether I like it or not?), a "rush sell". They announced the match very late, so they have to rush through a set up to make sure Eddie and Test are MORTAL ENEMIES. Not to worry, X-Pac fans (err... helloooo, any of you out there?), I'm sure that once Nash and HBK (well, maybe not Nash) re-assert themselves with HHH and regain locker room control, X-Pac will get his run as world champ.

-"rush sell".... actually, I DON'T like to call it that.

-Pac got the Pin with a little help from Albert..... his FORMER BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!! DAMN YOU TRISH!!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

-Cole tried to talk to Austin. Key word is "tried".

-commercials

-Heyman and Ross talked up this historic night.... and was rudely interrupted by....

-Mick Foley, dropping back into the thick of things. It's simply mind boggling just what a difference a few years makes, isn't it? When I first started recapping, it was all about "The WWF's SHALLOW talent pool". Now look.

-Foley should have stuck with the shaven head.

-He hit the ring. He ain't rasslin', so this will be an hour diatribe.

-Mick said that it was good that we remembered him. "Ross, "How can we forget you, Mick?" (heh.... easy, just ask Randy Savage)

-Mick announced that his new book Foley Is Good will hit the shelves May 8th (I'll care about readin' when Scott Keith bangs out the sequel to The Buzz About Professional Wrestling, because I'm just DYING to see how Bischoff got WCW out of it's big mess.

-Mick said that maybe he was just resting and vacationing right there in Cleveland, Ohio? (the thumbs up sells it)

-Mick was here because.... at the risk of sounding egotistical.... (keep that up Mick and web mutts will start BERATING you for that attitude!), Wrestlemania just wouldn’t be the same without Mick Foley! (I always THOUGHT there was something missing from WM I-XI, just never could put my finger on it, 'till now)

-Mick had a way to get himself involved in one of the big matches.... and it's a DOOZY of a scheme.

-Vinnie Mac walked out sans music. Heyman played up the heel commentator..... I can't quite see it, since Heyman made "hardcore" a (sort of) household word and Foley defined "hardcore" in his prime.

-Vince says that he's in no mood for this nonsense. Foley is a fired man, and will be arrested for trespassing if he doesn't hit the bricks.

-Mick said that he does have business in there, he quoted the "little engine that could" with "I think I can, I think I can"

-Memory time, Mick reminded Vince of the time he "left" the WWF last June to go be a "genetic jackhammer". He added, "A venture I'm told you were quite.... unsuccessful at!" (not bad)

-So, in June of 2000, Mick became Commissioner and the WWF was a little more fun to be a part of.... until Christmas time, when Mick was fired.

-The thing is, Mick saw the firing coming, so he came up with a plan with Vince's then SANE wife, Linda.... and they had the videotape from last December to proof it.

-On screen, a less hairy Mick came on, announced that it's December 5th, and that he is about to take steps to make sure Mick gets to screw with Vince LOOOONG after he's fired.

-Linda appeared, with a stack of papers. She told Mick to get signing. He did.

-Back to live, Mick said that those documents were legal AND binding.... he pulled one out.... the one that says that Mick can be the special guest referee at Wrestlemania for ANY match of his choosing.

-yeah, Mick's reffing Vince vs Shane. He wished Vince a "nice day" and the segment ended.

-Two things.... 1: They must have decided to speed this up, because Foley usually likes to take his own damn time.

-2: UNLESS Mick wore a wig either in the ring, or on the tape, you HAVE to appreciate the long range planning that these people put into their programs, especially for Wrestlemania. They knew in DECEMBER what they were going to do for APRIL. THAT'S impressive.

-BUT, notice how it was open ended. They could have used the tape to have Mick sign for ANY sort of angle. It's really more like, "well, we have got to get Mick in there somehow, so we'll have him do this, then he can take time off and come back just in time so we can put him anywhere he fits best." It's still smart.

-You have GOT to admire how they took Vince's ultimate triumph and made it the worst on-air night of his life. Talk about well crafted storytelling.

-TBS was all set for Jericho

-now reverse the names

-commercials

-moments ago, Mick returned

-backstage, Vince was defeated, winded, frustrated, and learning the hazards of eating strawberries sans whipped cream.

-Y2J came out. We see how he was a Clown, earlier.

-The Big Show came out. Jericho springboard dropkicked him just as he hit the ring apron.

-TBS rebounded and went for a.... well, a Vaderbomb. Jericho rolled away.

-Jericho bounced off the ropes and cross body blocked TBS right over the top rope.

-TBS threw Jericho back in. Kane ran out and attacked. Raven ran out. Regal ran out. One thing led to your mother and...

-TBS chokeslammed a non-title pin out of Jericho. Regal walked away in victory. Raven and Kane messed around afterwards, you can guess who got the better of that exchange.

-The Rock was backstage, looking for Austin's locker room. A tech tried to help him.... but Mr. Movie Star was SO condescending. I remember a fella who was EQUALLY as rude to the common man!!! A man who was SO FULL OF HIMSELF!!! But, times changed and fortunes fell and NOW, the man who was so snotty found himself UNEMPLOYABLE AND UNWANTED!!! This man, sitting in his million dollar mansion stuffed with luxury vehicles, expensive clothes, and an unGodly amount of wealth, now must LIVE A LIFE PAYING FOR HIS PAST MISDEEDS!!!! WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, MY FRIEND?? WHO IS LAUGHING NOW???

-That man, my friends, is Bobby Brown.... and now you know....... the REST of the story!

-commercials

-Guess what Ross and Heyman talked about? I'll give you a hint.... his name is "Joe".

-Joe MAMA!!!! BOOOYAAAAA!!!!!!

-Ross talked to the Dudleys at WWF New York. They said that Spike is "hurt, but getting better. Not since Eddie Guerrero knocked his elbow out of his socket last year has a new guy gotten injured so freakin' fast.

-The Dudleys promised that they would show up for WM and they might even work t'boot.

-The Rock found Austin with Debra. Both agreed to put aside their bloodlust for each other FOR TONIGHT ONLY!!!!

-Kane and the UT were on their way.

-commercials

-Kane came out.

-The Undertaker rolled out. Okay, maybe it IS too much Freddie Durst for one two hour show.

-The Rock came out first (which means he is going to LOSE ON SUNDAY!!!!)

-Austin came out second... (no, wait... HE'S GONNA LOSE THIS SUNDAY!!!)

-maybe their plan will crash on their way to Houston and EVERYONE WILL LOSE!?!?

-well, nah... if that happens, they'll just find a way to put the belt around Stephanie's waist.

-the match started with the Rock getting bopped around. (I'm running out of verbs)

-After a few minutes of this, Austin is tagged in. He WALKS over to the UT and starts swinging. I don't know if that's cool, or lame.

-Austin hits UT with the Lou Thesz Press, he gets up and bounces off the ropes. Kane catches him... UT also catches him with a boot. Listen to the UT groan as he gets his foot up.... that's an old man groan, kiddos.

-UT picks Austin up Tombstone style.... Austin sluggishly kicks.... UT had to LIFT him up and over his shoulder. Ross screams, "AUSTIN KICKS FREE!!!" Uh oh, someone's half-assing it! 

-UT chokeslams Austin. Kane keeps the Rock busy outside.

-UT sets up the Last Ride.... HHH runs out and chairs him in the back.

-Austin pins the Undertaker.

-UT stares hard at HHH, who acts non-plussed. Everyone not in the main event on Sunday left.

-Austin started chugging beers.... from all accounts, non-alcoholic beer (I blame the damn WIFE!!!!). Rocky crept up behind him and waited.

-Rocky half squatted.... it's as if he was hypnotized into thinking he was a bitch in heat.

-Austin turned around.... Rocky kicked him, then gave him the Stone Cold Stunner! (hey! Cool!)

-Austin went down and stayed down. Rocky asked for two pairs. He got them. He opened one and laid it gently next to Austin's head. 

-Rocky left the ring. Stopping to open the second beer and toast Austin. He drank deeply, then raised the eyebrow.

-this remarkable show ended, this remarkable night ended.

Strange days, indeed. Most peculiar, Momma.

The 15TH big question of the night.... who was being lazy in the main event? Austin? The UT? Both? Someone wasn't working.

You know, I honestly have no idea what's going to happen next. I will even watch Smackdown.

This LONG ASS recap has come to a close (F-YOU, you illiterate jizzstains!). Nitro is up next. I have to write it. You don't have to read it. Many of you take advantage of that option.... rat fink bastards.

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